Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
