No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
