i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
