i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
