his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
