Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
