There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
