I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
