I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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