if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
