I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
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You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
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A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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