I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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