Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
