It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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