mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
