I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
