i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
