Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
