my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
