2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
