Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
