3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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