Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I supernannyed him into submission
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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