I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
