I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
