I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Randomize
