You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
