I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
