I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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