...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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