Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
