That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize