you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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