my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
