Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
