And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Randomize
