Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
