Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
