I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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