do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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