Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
