I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I just blew my weed a kiss
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
