Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
