Don't you send me to vm
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
