why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
