his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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