I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
