so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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