What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
