"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
