it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
