not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
