if you like me you must not know who I am
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
soo... how was my night?
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