we have pet lesbian snakes
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
