I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
