she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
