a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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