i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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