Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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