His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
