Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
